We talked a lot in discussion about what makes up our identities: gender, race, and social systems, but what about other contingent things that affect the way we are treated in society. One of these things I've been thinking about lately is birth order.
There are some studies showing how the first born in a family is more likely to go to college than younger siblings and a more prestigious colleges at that. There is also the stereotype of parents to be more strict on the older children, and become more easy going on the younger children. I can speak from experience when I say this does affect children as they grow up.
I am the oldest of two in my family and it is easy to point out circumstances where I was given higher standards than my sister to follow. Because of this I have exceeded academically throughout my high school career and this is one of the reasons I came to the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor as opposed to the Flint campus, which is closer to where I grew up. We don't know where my sister will go to college or what rank she will get in her class, but already I can compare how I was pushed harder by my parents. I was expected to get perfect grades and test scores where my sister isn't held to such high marks.
This difference in how my sister and I were treated is not taught in some social system or part of a social stereotype, so why do they exist? There is a correlation between birth order and children's futures and goals, but where does this come from? Is it engrained in us from birth or is it part of our experience?
Patricia
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with your statement as an older child there tends to be a set of stricter guidelines when it comes to an older child as opposed to a younger child, I feel there is more pressure on the younger child when there is a bar like college that is set at a high level. The younger wants to reach it, even break it. Even though it seems as though my parents are more relaxed and seem as though they do not push my brother as hard as they pushed me, I feel as though my brother has pushed himself even harder because of that sibling rivalry and he feels that he has to rival me. Also I feel like this applies to generations as well as the child has to "one up" the parent when it comes to education and other achievements. The society we live in and the way the human race works where everyone is fighting to be ahead forces us to compete that much harder to be better than the people before us or the people in front of us.
I would agree with what you discussed, Patricia. Something else that I think is another good point, is that of gender and age. I grew up with an older brother and a younger sister. I watched my brother have certain priviledges that I was not allowed to have. Whether it be a later curfew, the ability to go places by ourselves, or what... he was always granted these options while I was not. I think there is a lot to be said about how these gender roles impact our childhoods. For example, one would expect that the older brother figure is someone who looks out for his younger sisters, doesn't allow them to date guys that he doesn't approve of, and so on. But in my family, it was far from that. My brother never cared about "protecting" us, as maybe he should have, but that also allowed my sister and I to grow up caring for ourselves, and not having to rely on someone to be looking out for us at all times. The standards to succeed in my family were always the same for us kids, regardless of age. But the social pressures of an older sibling, being a boy, were pretty severe, but somehow worked out just fine the way they ended up.
ReplyDeletePaula, I completely agree with your assertion that you are treated differently based on your place in the birth order. I myself am the oldest of three kids, and had a much “tougher” life than my brothers. For one, if I ever got a B, I had to have a talk with my parents discussing why I got the B. Moving away from academics, I was also not allowed to watch T.V. on the weekdays until I was in 8th grade, and I didn’t have a cell phone until I could drive. For my brothers however, it seemed that they were (and still are), congratulated when they got good grades; it wasn’t expected of them as highly as it was for me.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know why exactly some parents are more lenient with their later children than their first, but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that the first child is the first experience, and that it is important for the parents not to “mess up” on that first child. When it comes to the later children, the parents might look back to the first child and decide that they were too hard on him or her so they will be easier on the younger kids.
Unfortunately I think this imbalance will cause discrepancies between the kids. I have seen families where the first kid is at a prestigious University, but doesn’t have many friends, while that kids brother or sister is the life of the party, but he or she is working a minimum wage job right out of high school.
Patricia, your topic of identities, particularly birth order, is one that I also experience firsthand. I am the "middle" child in my family, so I've seen all facets of the birth order concept. My older brother definitely had more social limitations than I did. My parents would always be hesitant to let him go out, would interrogate him, etc. I feel like there was much more pressure on my parents to make sure my older brother achieved success, as he was their "first chance," and they didn't want to mess up. With me, they have undoubtedly been more lenient, and in turn, this has allowed me to grow more on my own. My brother was almost given no window, and I feel like this let me to go beyond expectations. I was not expected to get perfect grades (like my brother) but I wanted to do well on my own. Therefore I disagree with the studies/stereotypes that first-borns are "more successful." On the other side of the spectrum, I have a much younger sister who is pampered beyond belief. My dad will do anything she says, which I know won't turn out well later in her life. The stereotypes of being the middle child are not true; the almost "neutral" stance from my parents allows me to progress on my own. "The New Birth Order Book" claims that firstborns tend toward achievement, middle-borns toward diplomacy, and later-borns toward risk-taking. To me, the middle child embodies all of these aspects.
ReplyDeletePatricia, you state above that the difference between how you and your sister were treated was not a part of social system or stereotype. I disagree with that statement. I do believe that society has certain stereotypes surrounding birth order such as eldest children being overachievers and middle children being difficult. I think that parents (without knowing) often reinforce these stereotypes. Because of these experiences of being treated differently - it may lead to a gap in achievement. I also believe that are other identities can also have a significant influence in our academic achievement. Being raised in Asian-American family, I also felt the pressure to be the perfect student. I was considered "stupid" and a "failure" by both my Asian-American peers and my parents because I was not ranked in the top 10% of my class. Asian students at my school had a term called "maxing" which meant achieving an A+ or receiving the highest GPA points in a class. Being a part of this culture, has lead me to achieve my goals and attend the University of Michigan. It is not the fact of being a certain identity that creates a difference. It is what you experience because of that identity that creates a difference.
ReplyDeleteFirst, in response to Patricia, as a guy with 2 siblings (one younger brother, and an older half brother) I immediately knew what you were referring to because my older brother likes to point it out to my dad pretty frequently that "you're too easy on them". For me, though, and perhaps because my younger sibling is so much younger than me (he's 9) and I had the opportunity to see him grow up, I feel like I got to see the the source of his individualism. There's no doubt that our childhoods couldn't be exactly alike, and perhaps because of age disparity this expectation is much lower. My parents often say that my younger brother is motivated by the fact that he wants to go to college like me and all my friends but, having seen how hard I worked in high school, has developed a completely different personality from me. Where as I worked slowly and carefully, my brother tends to work quickly with the mindset of getting it over with. My brother is artistic-minded, while I was always known to be art-stupid and more science-bound. But while innate and contrasting sibling personalities can exist, most parents, at least mine, are often goal-oriented. While parents may adopt new philosophies with regard to treating their children, it is often for the same end-goal. Thus, although my parents have undoubtedly changed in ways in their treatment of brother and me, I argue that its altogether insignificant when put in perspective with things like environmental stimuli, innate personalities, and goal-oriented motivation. Yes, my younger brother has the advantage of past experiences - that is, my entire life is like a trial experience for his - I don't hold it against him. Arguably, as an older child, I had unique opportunities of my own (perhaps the naiveté of my parents in certain respects). Of course, this was my personal experience; I happen to have a friend who mirrors Rebecca's experiences with siblings - both he and his sister, who are quite close in age, had vastly different upbringings with respect to how their parents treated them and turned out very different individuals. And so, I would more-so agree in the social distinction between upbringings for boys and girls that is increasingly blatant, especially as society moves towards a more "equality" stance for adult men and women in the workplace, etc.
ReplyDeletePatricia,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your blog post for several reasons. First, I completely agree that in most households there is a standard set for the oldest child in the family because they are supposed to be role models for their younger siblings, but in my family this is not the case at all for whatever reason. I have five kids in my family, all within five years of age, and I am the second youngest of the five. The oldest child in my family is my older brother, who in society’s eyes should set a standard of excellence in pretty much every aspect of life, academics, sports, conduct, maturity, etc. For some reason, in my family, my brother was not held to higher standards nor was he expected to be the role model, I was. I have always wondered how it came to be that I was the one my parents were strict with. They always expected more out of me then my older brother and would always get more mad at me if I did something wrong. I would say in the majority of families around the world there is a correlation between birth order and children’s futures and goals, but that is not the case in all families, such as my own. Furthermore, in my family, I go to the best university compared to my brother and sisters and have always been “forced” to exceed what my older siblings have accomplished. I have always wondered how I became the role model because I am not the oldest. I really do not know where or how this happens in families, but I believe it may be part of our experiences rather then it being engrained in us from birth.
Patricia,
ReplyDeleteThis is a good blog post for one obvious reason - because its short and succinct and you made an effort to consolidate your thoughts in the last paragraphs through the questions you got us to think about.
It seems like everyone above me agreed with the fact that birth control affects the expectations placed on a child in the family. I personally would not be able to take a stand because I am a single child so I could not speak from experience. But I could contribute by saying what I heard from people.
I grew up in an Asian society where child order and gender largely influence one's family status. This is less significant now compared to our parents' generation though. However, the oldest sibling would usually still be the one responsible for their siblings and family. Especially for those with family business. They are expected to do well and eventually inherit the business from their parents. This is especially true if you are a male. I do know of guys whose parents have high hopes on them and would bring them on business trips (training them to socialize, get used to heavy drinking as it is the norm when doing business with Chinese businessman. The middle child would feel the pressure to do well as they want to attract their parents' attention and to keep up with their siblings. Sometimes they feel neglected but it is not necessarily a bad thing all the time. Because from what i observe from a friend, she is very motivated and a initiator at things because she knew she had to be competitive in order to not lose out. The youngest would usually be doted the most. They usually get what they want and more attention from their parents. Sometimes they are labeled as "spoiltbrats". Others say that youngest siblings are always the happiest because they get relatively lesser pressure to excel. I feel ambivalent about that though. Everyone would love to grow up in the happiest environment, but if we think about it, it does not necessarily benefit us all the time. I do think that parents need to push their children to achieve the best out of their ability, to expand their potential in order to reach their goals. It is easy to have a goal in mind. But being determined and having the resources and knowledge to do what you have to do is paramount.
This is where family plays a huge role in helping children realize their goals. I would concede with the fact that it comes from our experience in a family.